Welcome to Session 2 of Marriage Preparation
This session looks at communication, how to prevent or deal with conflict and forgiveness. Be honest and understanding!
This session may be best done in small sections with time to respect each others opinions to work more closely together.
In spending the rest of your life together you will encounter difficulties and conflicts. The aim of this session is to minimise conflict and help you to use difficult times to grow stronger.
We all experience feelings and they can differ frequently even within a day.
Feelings are: Are important, are constantly changing, can show intensity, are best described when speaker and listener are open with each other. Our feelings are our own and are expressed more readily by some than other. It is important to express feelings. Feelings can be negative or manipulative. Our feelings are VERY real to us and need respect. Lets start with this simple activity to share
We must however learn to balance our responses to feelings by using ‘emotional intelligence’ Are we led by our Heart or our Head?
Balancing our feelings and responses means we avoid instant responses to avoid hurt. Emotional Intelligence is the ability to manage our feelings using rationality to create a delay on impulse. It enables the choice of an appropriate response.
Continue now to scroll through the session taking time to share together as you go
Communication
There are varying levels of communication Some we use more with people closer to us than others.
Levels of communication: Ritual & cliché as well as facts & information, thoughts & judgements, sharing feelings & emotions and intimate trust are all levels of communication.
We are aiming to head off potential conflict by effective communication. Conflict can be destructive of relationships so we want to help you see how times of potential conflict can be used to strengthen rather than destruct
Discussion Skills
Take time to talk rather than let things grow. Consider these ‘Good Listening’ points when entering into a discussion:
Pick a good time to talk which allows listening. Don’t pick a favourite soap or football time on TV! No distractions such as when the kids are in bed.. Think what you will say. Be encouraging, face them, be relaxed. Summarise back – “So what you are/ I am saying is … “
Check they understand. What does their body language tell me? Look interested. Maintain eye contact. Be to the point and take in what is being said. Respect that you may think differently but it doesn’t make the other person wrong.
Give opportunities for response. Allow questions without interrupting. Watch for clues! How do they feel? If you need say we can talk about this again another time if you prefer.
Attitudes and abilities to develop
PASSIVE/ ACCOMMODATING is taking the line of least resistance, accepting whatever is said and is not good in the long term.
ASSERTIVE is a way of expressing our feelings, needs, wants and aspirations in a direct, honest way, which keeps our own integrity and respects your partner.
AGGRESSIVE is bullying, threatening and negative. It puts down, hurts feelings and is uncomplimentary to the partner and is NEVER okay
Activity: Share this activity together. Discuss together each question and take time to share with understanding
Being ready for changes and challenges
Change is inevitable in the world and in our lives. Acceptance of change can make life less stressful. You need to know how you will work as a united couple before these situations arise. MUST HAVE CONVERSATIONS may sound a little pessimistic- “what if this happens conversation”
However by discussing some situations before they are a real-life crisis for you can help you both come to an agreement of how you would cope. Doing this allows you to face decisions, change and crisis as a united front.
At a highly emotionally charged time of decision or crisis it’s difficult to be able to calmly decide what is best for you both. Having prepared ahead you face things together. You need “must have conversations”” on topics such as- financial changes, illness, family problems and much more
You will argue but you still love each other!
When you're upset, pause, and slowly count to ten: Wait before you speak. Take a few deep breaths and use the lull of the moment to regroup before you decide what to do so you don't say something you regret.
Take a cooling-off period: When you're steaming, retreat to a calm setting to lower your stress level
Don't address anger when you're rushed: Make sure you have adequate time to identify what's made you angry. Acknowledge the problem but say lets wait until we can talk properly
Don't try to address your anger when you're tired or before you sleep: However its good not to end the day in conflict. Be able to say look we are both upset but we know we can solve this . We love each other more than this argument. It is impossible to never argue. However its how we handle our conflicts which helps us grow closer from them rather than allowing them to be destructive
Giving & Accepting Forgiveness
Read through these statements about forgiveness and discuss how they speak to you.
Discuss the importance of letting go of resentments and not dragging them out each argument. Know that LOVE IS A CHOICE NOT A FEELING.
We can still love even when feeling angry or hurt. Allow time for healing and be aware of each other’s experiences. Be kind to each other even when hurting. Forgiveness frees us to love and grow closer.
Marriage takes work on both sides to be strong and lasting but its worth it! If you cant resolve difficulties seek help. Our Catholic Pastoral Services team are always there to help by offering confidential support